Wednesday, December 28, 2016

My truth timeline (for now).

This is my foundation and continual building/growing-timeline of truth. 
From what I recall in my walk with God. This is how I experienced Him. From glory to glory. I wrote this out to see where I have came from and to where I am going. This is what I've tasted and seen over the past 6-7 years in the USA and in Mexico as a missionary and back in the USA. It will only get better. I will keep seeing different sides of His face. Some of these truths came while reading the Bible and other times it came listening to a song, in the quiet, in class, on the beach, in my tears, or while dancing... He is faithful and in our closeness I see more of His beauty and who I really am in Him. Written in order...ish..

God is good (my first encounter) I am a mess and need him

Came to know His Mercy and grace (Met him AS Mercy and Grace.)

Jesus saves and has made a way

Surrender my ways and make myself a willing vessel 
Thankful heart

Reverence and awe of His holiness

Service to others.

Abide in Presence 

I hear from God and He hears me

Provided for 

Contentment always 

Cling to Jesus (Presence) 

He knows me and sees me


Knowing him as my Help 

God heals now 

Victory over sin

Holy One 

Gospel mindset shift/revelation  [jesus redeemed the world AND there is more... he saved us for us so we could DWELL in the Kingdom of God to be close to God always... Salvation AND sanctification. The Gospel wasn't intended to only save us but also to keep us close...Jesus's death and resurrection ALLOWED us to see and live heaven here and now, we can walk in all the victory that Jesus has. His victory is our victory] 

Surrender my dreams and/or idols (keep no one/no thing) in his place. Hold it all loosely. 

God is not afraid of our mess. He can handle the truth. He wants to KNOW us. All of it. 

Intimacy with God (from that place everything flows)

No shame 

No rejection from God (no fear of rejection)

God hates religion and slavery  

Obedience (even if hard and scary) 
Obedience = freedom 

Use the word "NO". Guard your yes. 

Emotions are not scary, so feel and give them to Jesus.  (it's ok to feel and express it all to the one who loves and knows us. We can cry. We can say "I'm tired", we can let go of knowing or performing. 

We don't have to try we don't have to strive. We are enough and loved.

Waves of freedom (to be)

"Faith is spelled r.i.s.k"

Pursued hard and loved, sought after (Pursuer)

Know Him as Provider King (myself as Royalty)

Mindset shift- poverty to royalty... coming from a place of lack and never enough to abundance and "I died that there will always be enough"

Perfectionism gone, performance to please and fear of man gone gone gone  

(Real) honor isn't demanding 

Boldness and fearlessness 

As a child of God, I am a prophetic person 

My voice is powerful  

God actually likes us... He died to be close. He is interested in us. Don't ever think he isn't interested.  John 3:16 
The world needs me to be ME (I am made in his image and will reflect him like no one else can)

I am a creative being because my God is creative

Shifting the atmosphere (in freedom, purity, and love) with dance, music, art, food, education, etc. 

Dreaming again

Renewed strength 

God has given us tools to be powerful people (not victims/"powerless") and brave communicators in our relationships and businesses

Signs and wonders were meant to follow the believer (we don't seek after them but rather they follow us naturally) in every sphere of life. 

Walking in purity and power (word and power) IS possible and our call. You need both and not one over the other. 

Jesus' face is home. Seek him and you find yourself.

Sunday, October 16, 2016


I miss atole 
I miss hierba buena tea
I miss dipping tostadas gigantes with that hot tea when we didn't have bread to dip in the tea 
I miss getting fresh eggs from our hens each morning 
And raising chickens and the chore I had a few times to kill to the chicken we were to eat for the lunch meal that day. 
I miss the view from the roof top over the city of Querétaro.
I miss the view from the roof of my house in Oaxaca, with a view over the coconut palms to all the way to the shore and now I am remembering the view from Snoopy Rock or from one of the orange trees at RSM.
I miss the miles of wild flowers and rock in Amealco. 
I miss Caro. 
I miss eating cactus fruit. 
So much history. 

How can I keep from remembrance. All the memories flood back at night. I see everything so clearly as if I was there again, in each place again. Experiencing. It all is going so fast. I used to think each next step was so scary but I was always willing; then I made it through... now each next step is easier in faith and obedience. 

But even so, there is so much I am leaving behind not being in Mexico. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I don't know what to do. 
I'm in awe of where I am at presently. I feel like it is an honor to be here. But all I've known for a so long, is there. 

I feel sadness rising up in me. A sadness I haven't felt before. All I know to do is to give it up to Jesus.  I am hurting a lot and it is hard to adjust to this new way of doing life. How much am I suppose to adjust and how much am I not? Is one culture more important than the other? I am physically IN one culture but feel like my soul isn't, my experiences aren't here. I don't even know. All I know is this is hard and I NEED to rise up higher and see. I need to see like Jesus sees. I will drown if I don't rise above. What is God saying about all of this? 

He is so kind. His love is deep and wide for a reason. It reaches our deepest being. 
This love, this love, always liquid gold to me.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Pics from Redding/BSSM Sept


our first year class!

cliff jumping...


This is a new season.
It was something strange at first to be in a new place and time, but now, I am seeing with so much thanks.
Like, how could I not be thankful?!


In Baja California I think we had every kind of insect/reptile in our house being in the desert/mountainous area. Rats,frogs,snakes,lizards, stink bugs, more snakes, more mice and rats, ants, spider eggs hatched all over our bathroom, and other random creatures I don't know the names of.

Then there was coastal life in Oaxaca where I was used to acting like a professional mosquito fighter/defense, where I knew how to prevent mosquito entry/sucking of the blood. I remember one night watching Futbol/Soccer with my Mexican family, laying in the hammocks and sitting in chairs and there runs by a giant rat. That was when my Mexican parents ran and got their bats and it became a "hockey match" but the puck was a rat. The rest of us hopped up onto the kitchen counters and watched and screamed until the rat got passed and flew out through an open window.

The most recent was in Queretaro (city life) waking up to 20+ cockroaches in my downstairs hallway, bathroom, and kitchen (once in a while some came in thru my bedroom window by climbing up the outside wall of the house). Lol. After experiencing too many and when I became fed up with those nasty flying roaches, I learned strategies to protect the house and my sanity. I had NO problem killing the roaches violently and in Jesus' name.
Righteous anger came out at those critters in both homes. I prayed a lot. Haha.

In Redding, the animals: deer, snakes, mice, squirrels, mountain lions, bears are all here but outside!
That makes me thankful. 


This environment is so healthy. I cannot imagine being in a more healthy, heaven happening now, environment. It is not perfect, the people are not perfect but that's why it is so healthy... they know this. MOST everyone is after wholeness in Christ, MOST everyone is after a continual submission and obedience/relationship with Jesus.
Healing, so much healing. People see each other as powerful people who are responsible for their own lives. This calls us step up to our calling and take ownership of our lives.
I have NEVER been given so much permission TO BE... to just be in my process. Everyone's voice is honored and validated. We are treated with love and seen past our SINS/SYMPTOMS/SHAME. We are given the tools while partnering with Holy Spirit to see the root cause of our sin and believing the truth about ourselves as new creatures. We are called to walk as the saints that we really ARE because of Jesus and we are being led in order to lead others the same way.
I am thankful for healthy leadership. Leaders who lead in freedom and love not controlled by fear and who do not control by punishment. Our leaders are not afraid of us!!! They will not run when things get hard. They let us come to them for both celebration and correction, good and bad news. I am SO thankful for strong, loving, male "authorities" here that I can trust and let them know/love me. 

I feel that this is unreal. HAH. I am so thankful that I have the chance to attend BSSM and receive all that they have fought for and stewarded so well! I want to soak it all into my heart and head and carry all the renovation with me forever and give it to anyone who wants freedom. I am amazed. Hunger begets hunger. The hungry will never go away empty. Jesus in us is everything the world needs and longs for. 

Ask Jesus to make you healthy in your heart and mind. For the sake of the world.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Fear will stay under HIS feet. We will be overcoming warriors.

[Here this is, if you relate then good.]

No joke, I did not sleep last night.

I thought I was just physically uncomfortable but I realized that I had a lot of stuffed emotions they ended up coming to the surface.
Last night trying to sleep felt like the Princess and the Pea (story) but as an emotional "pea" not physical.  [If you haven't heard of this story I suggest you look, it was a great one growing up.] I ended up crying and after I cried some and really felt, then I slept for the remaining 2 hours. I am back in the USA after 5 years. I've been here for almost 4 months and that's the longest I've been back. The past two years in Queretaro were especially unique where I only called/Skyped my fam once in a while in English and a few times had (the deep) conversations with my Pastors in English.
After living in another country/culture that not your own for any amount of time (especially where English is NOT the first language spoken) can be tricky.

Long story short... I am completely in English now and I feel lack (big time) with Spanish. I had a huge worry/fear before going to sleep last night that I would 1. forget Spanish  2. forget and loose all my experiences/testimony from my time in Mexico.

This was not the first time this has happened. And its funny. I laugh at it because the enemy is trying to attack exactly where God will use me and make HIS name great.
The enemy only comes to kill, steal and destroy. He is scared.
Closer and closer I get to being me the devil is threatened. I will use Spanish, I will use it constantly and I will be INTENTIONAL in my pursuit for it. I will speak about where I have been and I will continue to share stories about my life.  

Friday, September 2, 2016

Wednesday, August 31, 2016


Tomorrow is moving day. I was staying temporarily at a all girls house for the month of August while part of my house was getting remodeled. I got to know some amazing gals here and cant say that I will stay away for too long.
I have 4 boxes to pack up and move just down a few streets, so super close!

So far I have applied to work as a team member with the Bethel Nursery and have a practice interview and real interview for the next two Sundays to be a translator for Bethel from English to Spanish for the service. I am praying to succeed in both opportunities. I want so badly to work with Spanish and Spanish speakers at Bethel church. And here's the thing... I have so much Spanish/grammar knowledge and experience just from the past 3 years that I know God can use me to help with their team. I just need to access it in my mind and I need help from Holy Spirit to do so!
I hope that they give me the opportunity to stay close by on their team to learn and grow and very translate asap.

PRAY with me for those job opportunities. 
I am not settling and do not have to. I want to work, I will work, but I will work toward that which the Giver has put in my heart and not towards the fear of man that tempts me. I will sow into myself and invest. I will not settle out of anxiety or fear. Maybe you think that makes me stubborn...I think that makes me patient and firm in my trust in my good Father.

I am praying that I will not only have a stable income this year but also that I would move out to the "new lands" and with hard work gain deeper skills and add to my experiences.


Wednesday, August 24, 2016


"A $225 discount is given to all students in 1st and 2nd year who pay their full tuition by first day of registration."
**I am 19 days away from the first day of school and I have only $1,725 to go!
****THIS LINK will direct you so you can GIVE. Pray, think about it and sow in. :)…
That is SUCH a great goal. And fundraising and community is such
great support! (And if you'd like to know more before, ask me questions!) Thank you all who have already given and continually give.

2. I got my Revival Group Pastor for this year at BSSM.
His name is Richard Gordan and he and his wife are both Pastors. They are from South Africa ans have already gone through the School of ministry.  I cant wait to get to be with all these peps! Its going to be great.

(BSSM is a large school with over 1200 students in 1st Year. To meet the desire to have an intimate and personal experience for every student, even as our numbers grow, we have developed Revival Groups. Each year we divide our student body into groups of approximately 65 students who are personally pastored by one of our Staff Pastors for the entire school year.
Revival Group Pastors (RGP’s) meet weekly with their Revival Groups to build community, discuss and impart core values and activate students in personal revival. These times are key for pastors and students to more intimately stay connected with each other and a core group of students who encourage each other on a personal level. Revival Group Pastors also have interns who attend and help with Revival Groups and personally meet with students throughout the year to support and encourage.)

3. I am starting to really get plugged in with BOTH the Deaf/sign language community and Latino/Spanish speaker community here in Redding. I am looking to work with BOTH while I am here. So Pray for that special job just for me! 
That's all for now! Love you guys! Thanks for keeping updating, sharing and caring.

Sunday, August 14, 2016


$1,725 left to go for my BSSM tuition for 2016-17 that is so cool!!!!!
I thought that was a lot, but it really it isn't. Not at all.
School starts in a month and here I am in Redding, Ca already. Students have been coming in and keep on comin. It is hot hot hot here in Redding Cali but even with the heat it has been a great week and 2 days of living here. I am renting from one house for the month of August then come September will move down the street to be in a beautiful home with a beautiful family for the rest the year. My roommates have been incredible. We are all warrior princesses. Wow. Even when fear and death try to threat us and linger at night we can stand strong and discerning on Gods promises. We don't have any need to shrink back and down; we can walk boldly and fearless. Courage is our call. The armor of God is everything for us.

This house, this neighborhood has a lot coming, for it is the Lords. Miracles and salvation are at the doors of each household. People will be lined up at the believers homes and all over the place hungry for Jesus. Hunger will ripple out. Our hunger for more of Jesus will affect our neighbors and their hunger will ripple to the other neighbors and out to the outsiders. God's love extends and is spacious. He will not be boxed into a building on Sundays, he will break out whether the people like it or not, he is on pursuit and will continue to pursue.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Moving on up

Great is the Lord, praise His name, praise His name!!!
Hope of all the nations, Light shining in the darkness, the Light for all the world to see.

In less than 24 hours some of my family and I will be getting into cars and driving north towards Sacramento, California and a bit further up still till Redding, California. I've been to Redding multiple times but have come back home after a few days... Now I'll be staying put for the school year.
Ill be moving to a place very close to church and school, walking distance even. I'm super excited to be surrounded by a healthy group of leaders, teachers, and spiritual family. I want to learn so much about living a life of revival... Fire in the dark. Warmth in the cold. Called to love and seek purity.
And it starts here and now.

This summer has been amazing. So much of the unexpected has happened. I'm not complaining one bit. I have been delightfully surprised at little things in life. I have had great time with family and friends and I started to get plugged into such a sweet and dear church family- Anthem along with Jounrey congregation. I didn't expect to get plugged in and accepted so much. I LOVE that it happened. In these short months I've had great times of prayer together with many, encouragement from spiritual leaders. I decided to "play" a lot more and let go of unhealthy fear and obligation so, this has turned into a restful and playful summer.
I am transitioning from a season in Mexico of work work work, church ministry and lots of growth in leading others to a time of resting and stepping into the position to learn  as a student instead of teacher.
This is a time of discovery and thriving. A time of letting go heaviness and becoming light and unfolding into ME. Stepping into ME.



Tuesday, June 28, 2016

A rising fire

I had been living, for I don't know how long... in a misconception of Your love God. When I understand your love I get to love and accept love.
1 JOHN 💙💙💙 is where I'm at right now. 

I thank You God that we are DIFFERENT that is SO OK. I am sorry for criticizing YOUR creation. I am so sad for how I've seen people. It was so subtle that I didn't even notice it. Without patience and with judgement, I had unknowingly, been in agreement with satan by putting the pressure and shame ¡¡¡that Jesus removed!!! back onto Your children (and myself). Jesus freed us all from all condemnation and here I was, not seeing hope or calling out the wonderful callings in people but rather I criticized... 

I have now decided to step out of agreement with the schemes of the devil and my old flesh to step into freedom. If am healed and I am now light which is my new identity and I do not act like it, that is my own fault and I won't be able to shine so others can see. So I walk forward in the bought freedom and gifted grace. 
I know God wants to use me in people's lives to speak LIFE and HOPE... It's so obvious that is it a passion you've put in me but I have consciously decide to walk in freedom to help others walk in freedom. My hearts desire is to speak life and wholeness and live under an open Heaven. I am called to walk in the Spirit, not try to be Holy Spirit.  I repent of acting like I can ever take the responsibility of Holy Spirit.  I don't get to be critical as I am NO judge. I am just as guilty as any other, but legally and powerfully excused.

I have come to know is that Love is oh so powerful. This is what brings us change. Lover, You find us and You mend. Here and now, You mend. I want to see you JESUS break out and heal. I want to be used by you Jesus to see generations break into freedom and purity. I will speak life and not death. 

God you make all things new.    
Renew my patterns and thinking. You now, are within me and all around me, there is no place for guilt or shame in your Kingdom. Hallelujah. We are the free. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

YouTube videos

Hey guys!
I posted 3 videos on my YouTube channel for sharing and hopefully to reach the right people who will support me financially this year for BSSM. They are a few minutes (each video is for a different cultural group, Spanish, Sign, and English)
I made the videos to share some of my story and of course to raise the funds ($4000.00) ASAP.
Take a peak!

I'll be in Southern California till August then moving to Redding, California at the start of August to look for a job and get settled in to a new home.

So, that's what's happening!

Trying to keep speaking Spanish whle here in USA...
Anyone have any good suggestions for podcasts or talks or books in Spanish??

Have a great day
And keep your love on! 

Friday, May 6, 2016

What's up this week

My moms here this week.
I could NOT have done this without her (for reals, I would of given everything away to go back to USA with just a back pack to not worry about all of the things.. Which really isn't too much, mostly clothes and books). I have now... 4 bags. Wow.

We have packed it all up and are just enjoying these next few days, seeing friends and saying goodbyes, goin to parties and resting in a hot/cockroach filled house. (It's city life and sad but true about the cockroaches... Awful things.)

Ready to do this, get on the plane and figure out new steps. Trying to use English correctly and remember simple nouns that I can't seem to get ahold of.

Well worth it, every bit of emotion and dedication here. It's all worth it.

I don't know a title

And it's Friday, pretty much everything I've been doing for 2 years in Queretaro is passed over to my dear friends who are more than ready to run.

I am stoked to be in California.
I am praying for a love to come back to me for my home state... A love that is deeper and more than just sweet thoughts of the past and memories of in & out burger, but rather a love that is strong for the people and communities. A lot like that which I poured out to the communities in Baja, Oaxaca, and here Queretaro... It's time to go "back to the roots" and look around a bit and love well.

I have made a list of al that I want to learn, dreams of mine, and desires.
I haven't done that in a LONG time. I've ignored my own desires for so long. I'm frightened but excited to try new and jump on into the water.

Some things on the list varied like:

-to learn to communicate well

-to practice writing : songs, stories, any kind... However God leads

-use my hands : learn guitar (I have been procrastinating with this one, even having my own guitar.. ups), perhaps ceramics class, and art course.
Going to School of Creativy this May in Redding will be a joy.

-dance a whole lot more

-sing. STOP BEING AFRAID TO USE MY VOICE... Perhaps learn to use it and better it all for kingdom glory.

-speaking in front of people, anything in front of people... This has to do with using my voice and taking on confidence and stepping out. Applying the leadership skills I've learned here in Queretaro for my journey.

-obviously school and whatever work I get to do

-continuing to speak in Spanish to the Latino community

-encounter deeply God more and more forevermore and lead others into that great love

This journey has been wild and will surely continue on the same.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

My ANTHEM, in this season

These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul 

Mumford & Sons - Roll Away Your Stone 

This song is pretty amazing, I have enjoyed it for a while now but I am seeing some great prophetic meaning to it.
I mean of course not everything is spiritual but this song affects me big time in this time in my life! God speaks to me in so many creative ways (and i'm sure He talks to you too/or would if you'd let yourself see it).
What is Father God telling me? "ASK!"  "I have put amazing desires in you my daughter, stop the worrying, you are abiding in me and you are co-creator and co-heir... DO, LIVE, BE. I will direct you but you have to MOVE, I can not direct you if you do not move."

Luke 12:32 says 
Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

We can give ourselves permission to BE AWESOME, to DREAM, take steps... we are trusted to act and create in this world, now.  God calls us to serve ON PURPOSE not just to float through dazed and confused.  Maybe y'all know this and I am just talking for myself… I sure know I needed to encounter this. I am in a time in my life where I am dreaming again, asking myself 'what are your desires and what ignites your passion?’.  I am learning to make small steps to succeed in the plans God has for me. 

I am also looking at- 'What makes you scared to death?' (Healthy motivating scare- for me its public speaking/public anything really, leading people in something on the spot...) That which frightens me... I know God wants to use and make STRONGER and I also know that our enemy wants to use it to scare us, intimidate us, and freeze us so that we would not grow or beat the fear. God wants to use me in that area while I'd like to not move into that "scary“ territory He says to me "Take it on girl, learn and grow in that area. You might fall and there's no problems in falling. You will get up and learn to walk and then run." And that “scary” place is actually something I long to do but the fear of people, fear of rejection, fear fear fear freezes me (but deep down it is a longing and God knows it that’s why HE helps me step out in boldness)
Anyways…We got to GO FOR IT. Charge against our fears and take our rightful place as the over-comer.

Love; it will not betray you dismay you or enslave you, it will set you free

There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be
Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More 

HELLO!!! Read that! Re- read that!  Take it in. That is our cry.
Love this song quote too! We are NEW and have the option to walk in that newness.

This season has been hard for me because I realized I had been walking like a zombie. I had been so stressed out about "pleasing God" and doing "His will", all the while God is and was PLEASED with me but would love for me/us to do what He created us to do and enjoy it. I think there is a time when we suffer a bit but I don't believe that is for us for all of life. I think there are so many times and seasons, "good" and "bad"... it all starts in our minds and whether or not we see with the eyes Jesus has provided for us and with the mind Jesus had provided us.

Ok, perhaps I am rambling on BUT I know 
-both these lyrics are powerful truths
-the verse from Luke helps my faith and hope in my Father and King, and it is a NOW promise and continual in Jesus...
- I WILL give, continually, my desires to King Jesus and hold onto hope and ask continually for that which God has put into me for eternity.
-I am realizing deep dreams that I didn't even know I had, dreams I had forgotten, and skills I had forgotten that I had
-I have begun to see the fears and lies that have tried to trap me for too long

It time to move on, stop hiding under a rock, and rise to greatness.

Sunday, March 27, 2016


Starting in April we will have a month of training for interpreting in LSM to better serve  our deaf congregation. Also we will be in prayer this month and more LSM equipping.
 I love our ministry team and deaf friends. 
I have given them all of me. I am a bit jealous to leave the ministry team right when they are starting a new thing and are fired up with vision. But they are ready and it will soon be time for me to go. I do hope to be able to come back. I don't know how or when but I know my heart is here with these propel hearing and deaf. 

Going to school will be such an asset to future ministry and I can't wait to continue to live out and help others walk in freedom and healing in Christ. 

Good things are to come for Queretaro. This I know. There is vision here and passionate lovers. 

Wanna support the schooling?? 
Look on my support page/get involved page here on the blog for more info.  
It shows the process and how much I have and still need for the school year. 


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

HELP fund my first year

Help fund my first year at Bethel school of supernatural ministry.

Come on!
Help a sista out.

This is from God because I know before this I would not choose to return to the USA very easily. All is prepared and my ministry reponsabilites here in Queretaro have been handed over to other people within the team who are trained and ready to take over. It has been clear that now is the time.

So all I get to do is share with you so you have the opportunity to support me and I get to trust.
This summer I hope to get a summer and possibly fall job where I can use Spanish and sign and any other skills. Pray for that with me!!

Love you guys!

Go here to send money >  Link for money support for Moriah

 Search for my name (Moriah Paige McLeod), and click on the Tuition link and follow the prompts. No tax credit will be issued as tuition payments do not qualify under US law.

Hola!!! Si me quieres ayudar (en dólares solamente) con la tuicion de mi primer año de la escuela Bíblica de BSSM, usa el enlace ahí ^^. 

Monday, March 21, 2016


It's time to end the excuses in our lives. It's time to quit living with limits. WE get to decide for ourselves our lives. We get to DO and not wait/ be stuck... We get to learn, live, and DO.

I want to use the God given wisdom that I have and skills for the Kingdom here and now. To lead well, love well and better this world that we live in.
Living intentionally with vision and goals to get things done. I have the grace to LIVE and leave a mark.

It's time to make daily decisions, even if they are small and seemingly insignificant. Little steps in freedom. We are not here just to pass by without being light and salt... Without leaking out our unique identity.

Revival in the earth is ready and waiting for us to BE who we were created to be. 

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Kicking the bad in the butt & out the door; bringing in heaven

-Written 3:45am Saturday morning. My own scribbles and pacts to God... Or rather his pact to me. -

That's enough, enough of coffee taking Your place as idol... Buying it, consuming it , thinking about it, receiving bad affects or withdrawals ... It is too time consuming. Even now sick, instead of getting healthy sleep, having dreams in the night-I am sick.
This is my doing.
But hey! It's done. Why? Because it's not worthy. I was made for more. More has much to do with the King and his Kingdom. 
Jesus, you died for sickness... And me drinking simply coffee is causing afflictions and pains. I am doing that to myself knowingly. That goes against your reign and desire for us. You died for headaches and instead of taking your word, healing, provision... I am doing the opposite. Bringing on myself hurt, more anxiety, growing a vice... (And I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being real and not in denial.) 

So, I give it back to you Jesus. You call each of us to higher lives. Each person convicted differently. Each with what they can handle. For me, I have tasted and seen that my body doesn't work well with caffeine. I don't do well with caffeine. It does more harm than good. And has become an idol. Around coffee- I have based my schedules, time, & priorities. Those things need to be based around you King Jesus. 
So tonight, on my bathroom floor... 
Trying to kick the nausea and trying to calm my nerves and not think about the migraine... I was once again wondering- how did I get here AGAIN. It is NOT the first time. (The other incidents were worse)
And I kept thinking "I know better!"
Each time I have gotten here- racing heart, pounding head ache, nausea, and body shakes- I have thought "alright, won't do THAT again." And there I am again, in the same place. Tonight I heard... Ever so stern and lovingly God say “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.”  Ouuuch. 

And this time instead of saying "ok... I won't be here again" and then doing it again... I decided in that moment on the floor, to see why I continued to drink coffee while I know the affects for ME. And I realized that I tried to make rules or surround myself with no's. I tired to avoid coffee. But my conviction to drink coffee and have the "good" "desired" affects, the thought that "everyone drinks coffee and loves it", or "it taste good and so desirable these days"- was stronger than my conviction to say "yes" to you God and all you want for me (higher-ness). 
I want so badly what you have for me, your time and recourses Lord, that I don't need the coffee, I don't need to rely on that. 
Sitting there on the floor really looking... It changed everything. 
And THIS, this I see, is true repentance. Learning a new path and taking it. Seeing the old and throwing the old out. 

{(In my life, MORIAH'S LIFE) I have heard for a while now that God hadn't wanted coffee's affects (good or bad) on me. And I tried in my own strength to kick the habit. The coffee was and continued to be a big idol and desire. Something, at times, that I only would avoid to please the people that wanted what was best for me and when they weren't looking I'd drink it again. Most times only feeling bad trying now to drink it and then have bad issues afterwards.. That guilty feeling. But no real proof of change. It wasn't my own desire to really stop. (Just like any sin in our lives before you let in GOD to really transform you.)}

This time, this time I know who it is for. I know how You Father see me and how you have SO MUCH infinitely more. And you don't desire for this weakness to any longer set me back. 
That is renewing.
This year of battling the desire for (something so simple and silly perhaps to others) coffee has been crazy and scary. But I see now. I see why I even went to the coffee in the first place and why I kept going back even when I knew I shouldn't. I see.
‭‭I am in bed now, my heart has calmed, nausea lower, and head pain almost gone... Thinking- thank you Jesus for dying for this and that I can let go and be greater. Because of you Jesus I am healed. I can come in close. 

P.s. I am aware that this is a conviction from God for ME. And only share my process. I never said or say that it is for others. I just know surely now, what God wants and has for me. I pray that you see how God sees you and that you will rise to that place, to be better. To live to your higher calling. Even if it is more difficult. He will SURELY highlight in your life an area of the need of "letting go" and rising to greatness.