Grieving

But 

I miss atole 

I miss hierba buena tea

I miss dipping tostadas gigantes with that hot tea when we didn't have bread to dip in the tea 

I miss getting fresh eggs from our hens each morning 

And raising chickens and the chore I had a few times to kill to the chicken we were to eat for the lunch meal that day. 

I miss the view from the roof top over the city of Querétaro.

I miss the view from the roof of my house in Oaxaca, with a view over the coconut palms to all the way to the shore and now I am remembering the view from Snoopy Rock or from one of the orange trees at RSM.

I miss the miles of wild flowers and rock in Amealco. 

I miss Caro. 

I miss eating cactus fruit. 

Aw.

So much history. 

How can I keep from remembrance. All the memories flood back at night. I see everything so clearly as if I was there again, in each place again. Experiencing. It all is going so fast. I used to think each next step was so scary but I was always willing; then I made it through... now each next step is easier in faith and obedience. 

But even so, there is so much I am leaving behind not being in Mexico. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I don't know what to do. 

I'm in awe of where I am at presently. I feel like it is an honor to be here. But all I've known for a so long, is there. 

I feel sadness rising up in me. A sadness I haven't felt before. All I know to do is to give it up to Jesus.  I am hurting a lot and it is hard to adjust to this new way of doing life. How much am I suppose to adjust and how much am I not? Is one culture more important than the other? I am physically IN one culture but feel like my soul isn't, my experiences aren't here. I don't even know. All I know is this is hard and I NEED to rise up higher and see. I need to see like Jesus sees. I will drown if I don't rise above. What is God saying about all of this? 

He is so kind. His love is deep and wide for a reason. It reaches our deepest being. 

This love, this love, always liquid gold to me.