just let me get it out

I have realized, I am hurting. This whole love thing, it is not easy! But that is Gods kind of love. This action is, was, and always will be His plan because it is exactly who HE is. It is not determined by anything else. It is and will always be. Unconditional is what it is. This love... oh boy. It is hard for us or I should say for me.
And what I am finding is that while loving in this way... parts of me are everywhere. My heart has been scattered about.

I have been touched in many places, poured into and in return have given myself in the same way, given what Christ has given me. It. is. hard.

I was raised in California. I have so much love for many people there that did so much for me. Whether they know it or not, they poured into me and I am grateful. I see now how God used them in my life and I AM OVERWHELMED. So much of my character was molded in crucial years, in the best way. I have tasted and seen love, tangibly. I am thankful to each of these mentors/spiritual family members for their passion and that which they carried that was passed down to me. I have been entrusted with much. I grew and transformed in California with the some gifted children of God. My heart is in California.

I spent time in Baja California with a bunch of rascals and amazing humans living together and serving together. We did life together- and I mean it. I know those people, those servants that I was surrounded by at Rancho Sordo Mudo were leaders who led so well and showed servant hearts... giving all of themselves. I know I gave a whoooole lot of me too. We loved. We cried. We laughed. We learned. We grew. And we were loved. Those days were dificil. But those days were the days I clung tighter to God than ever before. My heart is in Baja California.

I actually learned Spanish. I never thought I would. (ok, ok I am still learning... always will be and will mess up BUT that is OK) In Cacalotepec, Oaxaca I spent 1 year of my life. Oh... it was hard to leave Oaxaca for sure. I was blessed greatly in Oaxaca surrounded by beautiful people. I was blessed greatly to be there and learned more than just Spanish. I felt like I was in a dry spell spiritually and well... I was sick 9 months out of the year and didnt do much of anything about it because I had NO idea what was wrong. (That was fun...) BUT I was allowed to worship with the body of Christ almost daily and actually worshiped and danced on the beach with a few friends. I learned so much about Gods grace and the freedom that we have and can walk in. I met the sweetest deaf women nearby and was blessed to be with them. It was not all pina coladas and hammocks on the beach... OK there was a lot of that hehe (but its what everyone does, even the locals, the culture)... no but really. That year I discovered that I/we are not called to conform but rather be transformed. I discovered such freedom in just being. The Oaxaca-nan list of encounters from God could go for a while, blessings, learning in school and out about life, people/relationships, confrontations, y mas. Well, my point is- my heart is in Oaxaca.

Well... then I came to Queretaro Mexico, where I knew God had called me while I was in Baja California. The transition from the coast of Oaxaca to the city of Queretaro was, um, not easy. No, not at all. But knowing it is where I was called to go well I cried out to God, shared my hurts and honest truths and thanked Him for what I dont know. I was given peace. I went to Amealco, a town here in the state, to help Marisela Laura with her ministry. I went for about four months and realized I needed to be in the city. As much as I LOVE the kids that she works with, I LOVE the hills and the simple way they live... I knew I was needing to be in the city. And what I thought I came to do is not exactly what I came to do. I have seen beauty here and but at times have had to look for it like a treasure hunt. He is here just as much as Amealco or Oaxaca or anywhere else. My heart is with my kiddos in Amealco and here in the city.

I don't know if this all makes sense but, well, its a bit of what is going on inside. Mostly in the times of missing friends or kiddos or something from one of the former places I start to become sad that I cant be there, but I am learning to be OK. I am learning to be content in each season. There is so much to learn from each place in life that I know God longs for us to see how He sees. It is being present in each place and in each moment. Is it worth it to love with everything you've got and more? Is it worth it to let go of so much? Is it really worth it to be uncomfortable, to be embarrassed daily, to be made fun of, to be hooted at... etc etc etc. Is it worth it for any of us?

Well... here I am. Rethinking all of this and the past years. I have come to believe:
1. it is SO SO SO worth it
2. it is not and never was MY love.
3. God will never leave me dry
4. He is faithful (and His faithfulness has nothing to do with me, thank goodness)
5. I get my identity in Christ and He is sufficient
6. He made himself uncomfortable to understand, to love, to die, and to live, and give life... I can deal with it too
7. we have been called to run! To run after Him (every part of Him), which will affect us and everyone around us
8. for the sake of the world we live and walk and be in His Presence. All for His Kingdom here. It is oh so very worth it

and the list could go on...
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I pray that we love with all, every part of ourselves just like He told us to.Holding nothing back.
BUT mostly
I pray that we realize HIS LOVE. Because He FIRST loved US. All of us. All the nasty, all the hidden parts, He sees it all and loves us. Thanks to Jesus.
Now I can love.

our affection, our devotion poured out on the feet of Jesus.

Journal entry // coming home from Amealco/Rincon.

Nov 1 2014 I wrote this in my journal while riding a bus from one town (Rincon inside of a bigger town Amealco) to the city (Querétaro) after ministering in the town to the deaf. Here is my interesting trip home. I no longer go to Rincon/ Amealco :( but  can't wait to visit again!

I was told that in order to catch the van that would take me from  Rincon to Amealco then Amealco to the city Querétaro I would need to be out at 6am when it would pass. Today I had to leave early from our weekend work to arrive in Querétaro at 1030am for a meeting.
So I get out about 555am. It's freezing. Bitting cold and I'm standing there in the freezing wind for a van to pass.
So I start to jump in place, do leg lifts, jumping jacks... Anything to get me body moving and "warm". I even used my skirt as a blanket. (Yes they only wear skirts in Rincon) 615 nothing. I started dancing there on the side of the street. The sun was thinking about coming up and I decided to go get a better view. 645am a woman and her son passed and I asked about the van that supposedly passes here, I was told "ahorita viene"...ha ahorita. That is a funny word that could mean: right now, 5 mins, 30 mins/"soon" or who knows when. But based on the time I thought it could actually be soon, maybe 7am.
I figured the man that told me 6am surely didn't know. So I danced a little more and did some more leg lifts. I saw an elderly woman walk out into the street with items/luggage and I had a hunch she'd be headed out to the city too. I walked over and we talked a bit. The van did show up right at 7am and her and I squeezed in. (This van was A LOT like my favorite van in the Oaxaca coast). Another elderly man squeezed his slender body right next to mine. There I was, squeezed right between two cold,but warm, bodies and I was thankful for the closeness.

Oh, I forgot,. While waiting with la señora for the van a taxi pulled up, dropped of his passenger and tried to convince her and I to go with him. He was very convincing, peed right there in front of us and then asked us "are we encouraged?". Really?! That's a sure way to get passengers in your taxi.  I flat out said "no." And surely my face showed shock/"no way man am I going with you, ya nasty" and the woman nicely let him go saying the van price is better. I'd go in the van if it was more expensive thank you very much. Well ya, that was interesting.

So we arrived in Amealco ,and I was told where to go to find the bus central to head back to the city Querétaro. I was told to walk straight straight straight, head up some stairs, straight then at farmers market ask someone over there. I really do have fun now asking for directions, it's always an interesting time. Well here I am on the bus heading to the city, and drank too many hot liquids...with no bathroom on board. :)


Yesterday with Carolina... She drank a lot of water, helped up fill a bottle with rocks, and let us braid her hair. The whole time she sat there shivering with hardly nothing as clothing... Valeria (my friend from Oaxaca here with us) gave Caro her scarf and warmer shirt. Show Caro your love for her. Open every part of her that needs to be opened. Reveal yourself to her... Your love light and peace. Show Caro the way to go, and don't let her go!

-------------------

visiter

MOM is coming!

mom + dad

yay!
In less than a week she'll be here.

I am grateful. In each place I've lived my parents have been able to visit... this time it is just mom but hey that's good! Mom will get to experience a little it of life in Queretaro, she'll understand because she'll have been here. Life here will continue but I am excited to have someone here who truly knows me, understands me, exhorts, encourages, motivates, and pushes me. Mom pulls out of me the hidden and the deep things that I didn't even know where there or care to look for. Gahhhhh I am blessed, so blessed to have parents that are supportive and more than that, they believe in me... believe in Christ in me. They believe in the work He is doing, and are trusting God with me. So thankful that they both have stuck it out in life and marriage. No one is perfect, obviously but they ARE children of grace and walking in that. Love them!!!

but a breath

 5 march 10am

I've been in my new place now almost one month. Still trying to adjust...
During the day when I am home, I am home alone. The other renter/roomie leaves for work everyday at 7:30 and comes home anytime from 730pm to 11pm. We hardly see one another. Since I am here most I thought I should change the home up a little bit... it is dark, without windows, and empty. Gotta bring some life to it. I am the only one here and I alone use the kitchen to cook. I am very thankful for a place however it may be it is something!

Its been about 2 months of a change of food/lifestyle for me. If you've been following my blogs would know i've been having body/gut/stomach issues. For a year I thought it was one issue when really it was something completely different and I found that I needed to change how I ate. Well, its been goin. It's been hard. A lifestyle of eating "poo" and seeing that it is harmful... for some reason we still want to eat poo-even continue to eat it?! Ridiculous but thats what we do. That poo is really really bad. Anyeays sorry for the "poo" term but its true. Anyways... its been a hard transition but soooooo much better. Its the Candida "diet"/paleo that I have been doing minus a lot of fruits that are too sugary and starchy veggies.
I started using Chia seeds in many of my meals. And after spilling water on the floor and not cleaning it up right away... I also spilled the seeds, ALL over the floor. You know what happens with Chia seeds + water. Chi Chi Chi Chia, not too fun.
But seriously changing the way I eat has been hard (I am surrounded by tortillas,beans,cheese,tamales,helados on every corner, sugar sugar sugar, mas y mas y mas) but I've seen great results already when I stick to the change.  It is a bummer to have to say no to the great foods but what has helped is bringing to go bags of the veggies,nuts,seeds, etc. while I am out walking or with friends so I have what I need. What am I learning most out of this?? Self control, integrity, and perseverance. Those are ALSO prayer requests constantly. So there ya go!

2 days a week I teach/converse in English with a few girls. They pay me about 50 pesos an hr. I am not necessarily doing it for money. These people have become good friends and I am constantly looking for opportunity to share my faith-hope and love with them. So  that's really my reason for continuing with them. I do not like teaching English and actually don't want to but its happening for something unseen and I want to give God the glory in it and do it for Him. That I can glorify Him in this, as much as I don't like it... i will like it for His Kingdom and do it with all of me. So that is happening right now, gotta go meet them across the street. Adios!

10pm
Not feelin so hot right now. I used to get migraines all the time and then they stopped. Well, its back. Lathering on my essential oils, sipped down some nasty spicy/onion/garlic drink and going to sleep!
Here comes the weekend and it doesn't wait for anyone. Lots happening. I am thankful, oh so thankful for rest. Through it all... There is a solid place, a refuge for my soul and I get to enter in.

Below are lyrics to The Gates, that I just LOVE- feel like posting them.

Did You say, 'seek, you will surely find'?
I am searching, Lord turn Your eyes to mine
But I'm weary, pacing at these gates
Jesus come, come now, don't delay

Like a child, ever faithful may I be
This I ask, God of mercy hear my plea
I have wandered with a soul impure
For this scorn, Father, send a cure

I come to You my one and only
I promise not to turn my eyes again
And yes I know we're but a breath,
But I wanna taste and see and feel You nonetheless
Yeah the years they keep on turning
And I'm battered but I'm burning for You Lord.

I wanna wake and feel Your glory
I wanna speak in tongues of angels for You Lord
I wanna sing a song eternal
I wanna trample on the curses of the earth
I wanna call upon Your healing
I wanna see the sick and weary be made new
I wanna swim inside the blessings
I wanna swim inside the blessings of the Lord

Have my heart, dry and dusty though it be
And these lungs; tired from calling out to Thee
Will You come now and make Your home
May we drink the cup of life and overflow

chillin in our kitchen... with a refri that doesn't work... worin on that.

a new friend Silvia. We get to talk about life and God- hurts, joys, blessings, struggles, overcoming and newness.

This is where we, most times, meet up. On a bench in the garden.