nothing besides Jesus

myself and others are hungry, hungry and waiting for what we think will satisfy.
i know how i appear, i know my poorness and that i am broken.
i know that i am in need.
Dirty and desperate.
We have been eating trash... but trash is not all i've ever known. At one time i knew life, i knew bread without blemish. Somehow i ended up here. Somehow i settled for this.
Moldy and stale bread has "filled" our bellies.
As i wiped left over trash crumbs off of my face i saw someone a few feet away. He'd always been there but i was now again taking notice of Him. He was different but familiar, Beauty. His eyes burned with love. Love that was kind, not arrogant or rude. In His hand He showed us a single loaf of bread and offered it. Not the kind we've been used to consuming, but bread that i once knew, the bread i've tasted before. Bread without blemish, without dirt... and certainly not someone elses leftovers. I knew right away that which He offered was more than bread, it was freedom. It seemed that no one took the free gift. They hardly saw Him still fighting over the trash. The pile of trash. i knew we had been shoveling in emptiness and never truly content. i walked over closer to Him. i looked into His eyes and wanted all that He offered. He saw and knew the battle i was in and His arms stretched out to me further. His eyes filled with tears of compassion. Still allowing me to choose. And i did. my eyes filling with water i turned back to the others and sat, continuing to eat trash... sobbing the whole time. 
And the One, He was still there. His arms open and He never moved.




I believe God showed me this to tell me that I am/have been settling for trash. The trash of this world or trash that I think will fill me... when there is something better.  There is much more He has more for us. He is offering whole, overflowing life. Not at all easy, but the simple way. But we have to decide to reach out and take it. Forget all that we've known, forget all that we are comfortable with. While seeing this scene I was bawling,  I was crying confused and still do when I think about this. Why do I not take what was obviously better, what was obviously good and true?  Only He can satisfy this hunger. Truly only He has all we need.

open doors

1/15 Wednesday 11:43am

Today we had our first "C day" of the session, tests on the vocabulary, verbs, and grammar of three lessons. Also today at 1pm here on the base will be the first ever Mexican Sign Language class, taught by me and my assistant/friend Genna Cragoe.

As much as I would love to move on to a new place and quickly get to where I thought I needed to be (Queretaro), God is patiently teaching me and showing me otherwise. I could so easily look to where I think I need to be and completely miss all that He wants to do in and through me now, where I am. I wonder how many times I will have to remember that He is in the process! I try to get ahead most times and I feel He is like "Hey! Where are you going? I'm back here and want to teach you."

Let me back up a little...
So I woke up in the middle of the night a few weeks ago before the December break knowing one thing God is calling me to right now. Working on Mexican Sign Language and the Deaf culture with the people here on base and in town in order to reach the Deaf. I can bring two things that can change the lives of the Deaf that have yet to communicate and understand. I bring Mexican Sign Language in order to help them understand and be understood and Jesus, who saved them. I cannot get up and leave knowing these things are here for me to do.

I dont have to be in it alone. God gave me this vision of teaching the Bible student from the base. After they've learned MSL and once they are done here they'll be able to branch out to many more places to reach the Deaf. Using the Bible School to teach and equip passionate Mexicans to go out and use the language (and maybe along the way teach it to more people and share the Gospel) is where I feel God is calling me right now. They each go back to their hometowns regularly to use what they know from all of their Bible classes and, I hope, from the MSL class as well. From any given town Deaf people may be found and it is exciting to see an opportunity for people to reach out to them.

So Genna convinced me last Friday to go talk to a few people and share the idea with them ASAP before this new year of students began. We rushed over fist to Dave Nelsons house, the Director and teacher of the Spanish School and shared the idea. He loved and thought it was a great opportunity. He then helped explain it to his neighbor Chely who is one of the directors of the Bible School. She too liked the idea but had to talk with her husband, Chavy (the Director of the Bible School), then he would get back to me. I had to wait the entire weekend, then Monday morning I had the opportunity to share the vision again with Chavy. It was then he let me know the next day at 1pm I would be able to share with all of the Bible students and if I could get students to sign up then I could teach the class as a vocation. And I did, 5 students signed up which is more than I thought would. The students school session goes until August... which means I too will be here, teaching them until then. Wednesday, today I will teach the first class 1pm-3pm with Genna. I am feeling amazed and fully shocked that this door is wide open but I am excited to see what God does from here.



Thursday 1/16

We had the class yesterday and it was great! We taught the ABS's and practiced them to different music beats, slow, faster, and double time. Some of the students had a difficult time with the hand shapes, but for the most part they got it. They learned numbers 1-10 and a few greetings. With some extra time remaining we practiced facial expressions and finger spelling basic words.
I had a lot of fun and I know they enjoyed it also, because after class they kept throwing the signs up to people and each other around the dining hall. Nelsy, one of the Deaf women in town, was there selling her items and a few of the students right away went up to her trying to communicate. I thought this was awesome! No one told them to try to talk with her, they did it on their own with joy.

In class today we reviewed from yesterday, taught personal and possessive pronouns, and animal vocabulary. Both Genna and I were surprised to see how well they remembered the alphabet.  For the weekend their homework is to go up to five people asking to finger spell their own name and finger spell the others name... we'll see how this goes!

first days

4 de enero 2014 7pm

-same smell, that I had so quickly gotten used to

-same woman making announcements resounding throughout the town

-same “pichichis” (bird like duck animals) outside our home

-same warmth

I remember how foreign it all was in August when I showed up at these strange peoples home, how great it feels this time around.  I feel as If I was gone 3 months instead of 3 weeks. The walk to the beach never felt so good. I am thankful for this opportunity, to return and continue here. I never thought I’d be in Oaxaca or content in a small farmer/fishermen town. I guess that all changes when its right where God has you and wants you. I never thought I’d be content in a place like this. I was wrong. I loved being away these 3 weeks celebrating life with my family, mourning the death of a loved one, laughing together and crying together but I know this is right. I get to trust in God for all He is doing in each of us whether we see it or not.

5 de enero 2014 9am

Well hey

I’ve been up, throwing up all morning. I can’t hold anything down. I tried to sip different liquids but my body is in REJECT mode. Maybe it was the torta I ate, or some bad water I drank… who knows. Today I’m going to take it easy and skip the Sunday service here in town. Tomorrow is school, thank you Jesus this happened today! Jesus heal me, from the inside out.

6 de enero 2014 5:42am

Hello there…

Yesterday was quite a day. My family left for church and I stayed in bed. It really went downhill once they arrived home again.

I was lying in bed and the girls knocked on the house front door. I sprang up and rushed to open the door not realizing how bad that action is when you’ve been lying for a few hours. Let me tell you, I hadn’t eaten or drunken since the day before. All that I tried to drink only came back up, so I was very dry and dehydrated. So I opened the door for them then felt nauseous and ran for the bathroom. After some time in there I stood up and was losing my balance. I held onto the bathroom sink trying not to fall over. All of a sudden my hearing was gone and my eye sight was going. I saw black cloudiness filling my vision and a blurry brightness… I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s what was happening. I remember staring at myself in the mirror so frightened. I became dizzier and somehow wobbled over to the shower. I held onto the walls, at least tried to, and then all I remember was my head banging around. It felt as if I was in a box, but a concrete box and someone was shaking it around, me getting slammed. I remember thinking “What is going on” and “I can’t see anything but I can feel it all”. I stood up, opened the door and called out to the girls, Dana and Tali. Julio and Delia were outside. I walked down the hall trying not to fall over feeling like I could puke and with blurry vision and hardly any hearing. I was praying for the right communication in Spanish… that was the last thing I wanted to worry about, but God put the right words in my head and somehow they formed. I said “I can’t hear, I can’t see, I fell down” and I asked them “where are your parents? I need them.” The girls rushed out to the front porch while I tried to keep my balance holding onto a wall.

After that everything moved so quickly. Delia right away started to pray over me and I remember hearing her tell Dana to hurry and do things. Perhaps they saw the look on my face because they ran to bring me a bowl and right then I (sorry) puked.  Someone then held onto me and directed me straight outside and into their car. Delia put some kind of liquid on the back of my neck. While driving down the road my vision and hearing came back. I know for sure that the breeze at the window felt great and refreshing.  Julio drove to the Nurses house looking for help; we then were told to meet her at the Clinic where she could help. I think we were all very frightened. Apparently my heart rate was too low and was in need of an IV. The nurse, Laura, had to find a good spot which was difficult; my veins could not be found easily. We tried one spot but it didn’t work then then another and thank God it worked. It was in the moments looking for my veins praying for my blood and worried it would not work that Laura asked me which name of God was tattooed on my wrist. El Roi. God of seeing, how easily I had forgotten. He sees me, in this situation where I am at, He has compassion. I can trust Him. That was all that I needed. After a few hours I was still very weak but much much better. Still even this morning easily lightheaded and nausea. I’ve only been drinking water and Electrolit, I can’t eat much… I had 5 salty crackers and have a whole bag I am hoping to nibble on throughout the day.

Well that’s what I’ve been up to since yesterday. Today we have school. I am praying for healing. As much as I don’t like this, at all, I feel God is with me each step and even though I was “dry” thirsty and hungry. The IV helped my body out but it was a good picture for me I felt that He was/is filling me up. He is doing a new thing. I know He is using everything, every situation to teach me. I can trust and cling to Him through it all.

on You i will wait, for You will be my strength.

Here is a photo from the day of the wedding. This is a photo of the family I live with, I took the photo while we were waiting for the wedding to start.

Below are a few photos from my sisters wedding that happened last night. I cant believe it happened, Brooke and Zack are married... and it is about time! 

Father daughter dance

before the wedding us ladies praying with the bride

Here is a phone photo snapped while we were waiting

Before the wedding started

I've been in California since the 15th of December and it has been a whirlwind. So much has been going on. Things that are great, things that are sad and some just plan busy and crowded. My Nana died pretty recently, there was wedding planning and saving (our home was FULL of the decorations that you see above in the photos), my grandpa/pop is in need of a lung and is not able to breath, all our family is in town and we are all in each others space. It is fun. It is exhausting. It is emotional. It is sad. There are many tears, some sobs. There is a lot of uncomfortable and at times painful stretching,shaping, and equipping. And there is laughter. A time of going deeper with our relationships, deeper than ever before. Spiritually speaking, a time of going places unknown and a bit scary, but the whole time secure and sure. Trusting God when no one has a clue what is going on. Hopeful, hopeful more than ever. Realizing that it is OK to be appear weak, oh and maybe actually BE weak. He is the One that holds us together. Our Strength. Our Song. In every season. 

Well, keep sweet. 

Moriah

December

Dec 1

I went to my first ever Mexican (Christian) wedding last night. It seemed that everyone from the base was invited, even the Spanish school students. My family and I were at home getting handsome and finishing up our wedding hair at 4 pm. The wedding was supposed to “start” at 4pm. We left the house about 4:50, arrived at the Roca Blanca base and waited with the rest of the wedding quests for about 20 more minutes. The set up was truly beautiful; so much work was put into it from many volunteers and Bible school students to make it happen. The whole wedding was outside on the grass right in front of the beach at sunset. In my opinion, the ceremony was lengthy. Here is a quick recap. The lovely couple walked down the aisle with the flower girls of course. Once the couple stood at the alter we all sang together songs to worship our Lord. Then Duane spoke to the couple and crowd about marriage and the Gospel for about 30 minutes. Then the couple said some vows (at this point I honestly was a bit tuned out waiting for the big kiss) and other traditional Mexican wedding things. Special people were called up to bless the couple; one married couple that was called up gifted a “lazo” which was put around the bride and groom. Others from the crowd were then called up to bless, lay hands, and pray. Then, I barely missed it, the kiss was as quick as a peck and that was that.

Ok, every wedding that I’ve attended the kiss is one of the most important parts. The kiss is always the moment we are all waiting and excited for. So I was there waiting in my seat for that kiss, as if the kiss is what makes them married. When all I saw was a little peck and not so much cheering I was confused. It did not stop me from clapping and hollering. When they finally did kiss I said a big halleluiah.

The in love couple walked back up the aisle and we all followed them. Everyone scattered to find an empty table. No name tags, no seat assignment, it is run and plomp down quickly. I closely followed my family to an open table and seats where we eagerly waited for the barbacoa. What I found while at this wedding was that every other person seemed to be related to my family either they were a sobrino, primo, or tio. In the whole night I do not think my smile ever left my face. I have come to realize that I am living with some amazing people. They are all wonderful to me and I am grateful for how they treat me like a daughter or sister, truly a family and with love.

Dec 4

Thanks to the Corbin Clinic and its entire staff we had the opportunity for the day to go on a “clinic trip” day trip. It was only this one day, sometimes they go for three days. We drove to Charcol Redondo which is one of the pueblos located along the coast in order to help with any medical needs. They knew we were coming and people signed up to get a checkup. We arrived around 10am, unloaded all the supplies and within 10 minutes it was all set up. The team knew exactly what to do with no confusion and with total ease. Another man and I were assigned to check weight blood pressure/pulse, and check the children’s temperature. It all happened so quickly, they came in two at a time when their name was called. After each person came to us they had to go out once again to wait for the doctor to call their name, once their name was called they went inside for all that  was needed. Before grabbing their medicine or vitamins they had an opportunity to pray with hermano Jesus, he was there specifically to talk and pray with them.

At one point in the day I went over to the dentist area to check out all that was happening and I ended up holding the flashlight for the dentist while she pulled out the molar of an older woman. Ok I have never enjoyed spit, blood, snot etc…well this was, for me, disgusting! Yuck! The dentist used her tools to dig (and I mean dig) at the tooth and gums. She used multiple tools in order to get underneath and shove the tooth loose. Let me tell ya, there was so much blood. I stood there trying not to make faces or at least not let the patient see the faces I was making.  I had to watch the whole thing because I was holding the light, making sure the light did not move. After much time the dentist got the tough tooth loose enough to grab the pliers. A few pulls (hard hard hard pulls) the molar came out when I let out a halleluiah! The hole in her mouth was deep and her pour gums where the molar was had stretched and was messy. Then she received a piece of gauze and walked off like it was no biggie. One tough cookie!

The last few hours of our visit I was assigned to pray. Intercede for the clinic staff and for whatever else I was lead to pray for. In that time I had the opportunity to talk and get to know a few of the patients that had been waiting for their turn all day, I enjoyed that time to get to know them.

Dec 10

My second session is coming to an end with three weeks between it and the third. These past few weeks I feel I’ve been stretched a good amount and I’ve been real with how I feel. God is growing me and making me uncomfortable but it is so good. No matter what season I am in, I get to praise Him because whether I feel God or not He is with me and is reigning. The One, who knows me, knows every detail of my life, good and bad. And His grace is truly amazing.

Soon I get to celebrate another wedding, the wedding of my sister and her fiancé. Celebrating Gods goodness and love with family and friends. Let me say I am STOKED.

 Adios

In my face! Prayers answered

School starts up again tomorrow, second session. New students have arrived, we all ate tacos together Friday night and I have a small opportunity to learn about them. How the tables we put together it was a giant banquet table, so I couldn't talk with everyone, but it was a nice gathering. 

While praying over this new session I am praying for new. Not expecting old things to repeat themselves but see what God has for me this time around. Also I am praying that we, as Christ followers and the body together, can build one another up when things get tough and when we need encouragement. Praying that it will actually be normal for us all to stop, if needed, to take the time to pray for each other. And I am excited to see how we will grow in learning the Spanish Language and grow in our relationships with the people in town. 

I wrote this ^^^ Oct 27, 2013 and today was our second day of classes and God answered some prayers within the first 2 days! 
- New, praying for the old things to not being repeated necessarily...well so simple but the fist day of class I found out my classmates were not the same 6 people that I loved learning with. At first I did not see the new set up as a great thing, but now I realized it was an answer to prayers. There are only 3 of us in our class now, one man that took level one 3 years ago and is now continuing level 2. It will not be the same but I now am looking forward to what we will bring each other and what God wants to do with us. ALSO!!! What I am stoked about... one of my classmates Arie said we should pray for all that we are learning and trying to memorize. I just about jumped out of my seat... maybe I did. I said yes I think that is a great idea. He said we could even come like 5 minutes before school and pray over it all. So I wrote down 3 prayers that we are now praying and I tapped them to our classroom wall to remember. We will be putting up anything we need prayer for or want to pray for... 
so that was quick! 


We have a lot a lot a lot of memorizing to do and well I have a very difficult time memorizing. Not so fun, but it is all worth it. 
Praise God who knows

handshandshandshands yay!

From my journal October 19
handshandshandshands

This week I had the opportunity to communicate with two Deaf women from this small small pueblo... who would of known!
Up until this week i've only heard about them or seen them while walking by but never had the opportunity to say a thing. On Thursday while sitting at our 3 o'clock meal at school someone pointed out to me the woman selling pastries + that she is one of the women in town that cannot hear. I watched as people came up to her to buy the food. It was obvious she was not signing a "language" but using what she knew to be able to communicate, her made up signs and other peoples gestures.  It got the job done, both parties were not clearly understood but they each got what they wanted/needed.  The woman looks to be in her 40s + very friendly, which is a pleasant surprise. When she interacted with each customer her face was always a smile. I was still sitting at my table watching it all happen while people around were talking to one another. At this point I had stopped eating + was totally sitting watching her... I noticed no one was buying from her right then. I prayed "Lord you've brought me here, use me how YOU want. Use my hands to communicate Your love." Then I stood up + walked over to her. She gave me the strangest look, pointed to her ear as to tell me she was Deaf + she thought I was trying to speak verbally with her. I was trying to talk with her but not the way she expected. After some time of me trying to talk to her another man standing by who knew her helped us a bit, he knew her "home sign" + could communicate better (which I think is so interesting, she understands better what she has used to for so long but not at all affective). When she realized that I wanted to communicate with her with our hands + not our mouths, she lit up and told me her name sign and finger spelled her name N E L S E Y. I told her my name + name sign. Nesly said a few other things then that was it, until next time!

Friday night after our Bible study some of us kids went to get a bit to eat + the other young woman who is Deaf was there ordering food! While we were leaving and praying for the food I tried to talk with her. Let me tell you it is VERY difficult to communicate " I want to talk with you , get to know you, I know something that you would love to have/know and I would love to teach it to you". Instead all it seems from her perspective is -some chick is trying to talk to me but cant, obviously it will not work I am deaf, what does she want- It was a look of confusion on her face. Luckily, the other woman could communicate (like the other man helping Nelsy) to her in her gestures.  The friend communicated that I sign, I teach kids, + I want to teach her. The young woman who is Deaf, her face transformed to more vulnerable, friendly, smiling and ended up telling us where she lived (not in the same pueblo but close enough). Some time I would love to go to her house to talk to her parents and get to know them all.

I am hoping to know each of the women a whole lot better + teach them a new language, another world that will open opportunities to communicate in bigger cities with other Deaf people of Mexico. I am praying for more opportunities + praying for His Presence with me in every step. He gives all that I need to do this + exactly the right things to say.