Grieving

But 

I miss atole 

I miss hierba buena tea

I miss dipping tostadas gigantes with that hot tea when we didn't have bread to dip in the tea 

I miss getting fresh eggs from our hens each morning 

And raising chickens and the chore I had a few times to kill to the chicken we were to eat for the lunch meal that day. 

I miss the view from the roof top over the city of Querétaro.

I miss the view from the roof of my house in Oaxaca, with a view over the coconut palms to all the way to the shore and now I am remembering the view from Snoopy Rock or from one of the orange trees at RSM.

I miss the miles of wild flowers and rock in Amealco. 

I miss Caro. 

I miss eating cactus fruit. 

Aw.

So much history. 

How can I keep from remembrance. All the memories flood back at night. I see everything so clearly as if I was there again, in each place again. Experiencing. It all is going so fast. I used to think each next step was so scary but I was always willing; then I made it through... now each next step is easier in faith and obedience. 

But even so, there is so much I am leaving behind not being in Mexico. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I don't know what to do. 

I'm in awe of where I am at presently. I feel like it is an honor to be here. But all I've known for a so long, is there. 

I feel sadness rising up in me. A sadness I haven't felt before. All I know to do is to give it up to Jesus.  I am hurting a lot and it is hard to adjust to this new way of doing life. How much am I suppose to adjust and how much am I not? Is one culture more important than the other? I am physically IN one culture but feel like my soul isn't, my experiences aren't here. I don't even know. All I know is this is hard and I NEED to rise up higher and see. I need to see like Jesus sees. I will drown if I don't rise above. What is God saying about all of this? 

He is so kind. His love is deep and wide for a reason. It reaches our deepest being. 

This love, this love, always liquid gold to me.

Pics from Redding/BSSM Sept

WERE DOING BSSM 1YEAR TOGETHER!!! xox BRO

our first year class!

cliff jumping...

Thankful

This is a new season.
It was something strange at first to be in a new place and time, but now, I am seeing with so much thanks.
Like, how could I not be thankful?!

1.

In Baja California I think we had every kind of insect/reptile in our house being in the desert/mountainous area. Rats,frogs,snakes,lizards, stink bugs, more snakes, more mice and rats, ants, spider eggs hatched all over our bathroom, and other random creatures I don't know the names of.

Then there was coastal life in Oaxaca where I was used to acting like a professional mosquito fighter/defense, where I knew how to prevent mosquito entry/sucking of the blood. I remember one night watching Futbol/Soccer with my Mexican family, laying in the hammocks and sitting in chairs and there runs by a giant rat. That was when my Mexican parents ran and got their bats and it became a "hockey match" but the puck was a rat. The rest of us hopped up onto the kitchen counters and watched and screamed until the rat got passed and flew out through an open window.

The most recent was in Queretaro (city life) waking up to 20+ cockroaches in my downstairs hallway, bathroom, and kitchen (once in a while some came in thru my bedroom window by climbing up the outside wall of the house). Lol. After experiencing too many and when I became fed up with those nasty flying roaches, I learned strategies to protect the house and my sanity. I had NO problem killing the roaches violently and in Jesus' name.
Righteous anger came out at those critters in both homes. I prayed a lot. Haha.

In Redding, the animals: deer, snakes, mice, squirrels, mountain lions, bears are all here but outside!
That makes me thankful. 

2.

This environment is so healthy. I cannot imagine being in a more healthy, heaven happening now, environment. It is not perfect, the people are not perfect but that's why it is so healthy... they know this. MOST everyone is after wholeness in Christ, MOST everyone is after a continual submission and obedience/relationship with Jesus.
Healing, so much healing. People see each other as powerful people who are responsible for their own lives. This calls us step up to our calling and take ownership of our lives.
I have NEVER been given so much permission TO BE... to just be in my process. Everyone's voice is honored and validated. We are treated with love and seen past our SINS/SYMPTOMS/SHAME. We are given the tools while partnering with Holy Spirit to see the root cause of our sin and believing the truth about ourselves as new creatures. We are called to walk as the saints that we really ARE because of Jesus and we are being led in order to lead others the same way.
I am thankful for healthy leadership. Leaders who lead in freedom and love not controlled by fear and who do not control by punishment. Our leaders are not afraid of us!!! They will not run when things get hard. They let us come to them for both celebration and correction, good and bad news. I am SO thankful for strong, loving, male "authorities" here that I can trust and let them know/love me. 


I feel that this is unreal. HAH. I am so thankful that I have the chance to attend BSSM and receive all that they have fought for and stewarded so well! I want to soak it all into my heart and head and carry all the renovation with me forever and give it to anyone who wants freedom. I am amazed. Hunger begets hunger. The hungry will never go away empty. Jesus in us is everything the world needs and longs for. 

Ask Jesus to make you healthy in your heart and mind. For the sake of the world.